If you’re considering suicide, I’m going to prove how things can get better and why you should fuck the stigma and ignore any worries about what people think. I already know that there is people out there who complain about people raising mental health awareness – on MHA Day last year, I saw soooo many tweets from people that I knew actually complaining about seeing people write about mental health. I thought are you joking? How have you found something to complain about in this? Mental Health Awareness day is the only day of the year I actually love social media. Everyone comes together, raises awareness and opens up and you feel a lot less alone in your struggles and suddenly recovery seems a little easier which is priceless, even if it’s just for one day.
So it really angered me when I saw people just complaining about mental health social posts. Okay, we will all just carry on posting boring selfies and flashing off designer clothing we know you cannot afford because you still live in your childhood bedroom but you’re wearing £500 trainers… much more productive way to use social media! I think actively saying you are bored by mental health social posts or even critiquing people for creating them makes you the problem. You are pushing the stigma that billions of people are trying to destroy, so I beg you to just keep that negativity to yourself.
People tweeting ‘all these mental health awareness posts from people just to pretend to be a nice person’ are just completely tearing down the whole point of mental health awareness. Oh my god, I even saw complaints about people making mental health disorders up for attention. Wow. Can I please see your Clinical Psychology PhD degree certification since you’re so highly qualified to assess someone’s mental health? Haven’t got one, no? Then please shut up putting other people down for speaking openly about their mental health, when it probably took all the courage in their body to do so. Let people raise awareness and feel less alone, if you don’t like it unfollow them but never ever criticise someone for doing good to the world and others.
Stop The Stigma
For far too long I didn’t speak up about my mental health, I suffered in silence. Finally coming to terms with my struggles, getting help and now being able to talk openly about it has genuinely saved my life. There is not a shadow of doubt in my mind that if I carried on the way I was, I wouldn’t be here.
Opening up about it to my family and friends was hard, making this blog unanonynous so that I knew everyone would see the truth was even harder. But the messages and feedback I’ve received about my words actually helping people has encouraged me to carry on and think fuck the people who have something to say about mental illness. I think I can use my story to help others and if I can get anything out of the hell I went through, I want to help someone.
When I did come to terms with what was wrong with me instead of just saying I was a mess and my life was heading no where is what saved me – and the mental health awareness is what pushed me to do that. I educated myself on my conditions, let people around me In on my troubles and accepted it as a part of my life i have to improve on. You cannot ignore your troubles and expect them to go away, that’s like breaking an arm and not getting it treated so your arm stays broken forever and never heals. You need to address your mental health the way you would physical, that’s what I’ve learned. If I had a broken arm I wouldn’t keep it a secret and be ashamed because it’s just a typical health issue, so why should I keep quiet about my mental health struggles.
You’re Not Alone
One thing that shocked me was how many other people struggle, people who are close to me who hid their problems too. People who I thought had incredible lives were feeling exactly as I did, and I now know I looked like one of those people too. I hid it so well, scarily well. And other people do too! When I was struggling I felt so alone and weird, I genuinely believed I was the only person in the world that felt that way when the reality is literally millions of people did. I handled it completely wrong and made it a lot worse than it needed to be. For too long I just accepted my issues as part of my personality and accepted that I would never see the real Nikita again, I even just accepted that I wouldn’t be around for much longer so it didn’t matter, acting stupidly and damaging my mind even more. I planned to commit suicide, setting days to do it and seeing it as an only option out.
Looking back I cannot believe I was considering ending my life over just asking for help! It would have been so easy to just say to my loved ones that I was really struggling. But no, I ran away and shut everyone out and hid it away. I remember being in Ibiza breaking down on the phone to my mam saying I didn’t know why I was so sad and maybe saying to a few friends that I was feeling a bit shit, but it was so easy for people to just assume that I was away from home and feeling homesick. I don’t think they could have ever assumed how I was really feeling because no one would expect me to feel that way and I was so against asking for any help. I think the fact I am always away from my friends and family just made it all that much easier to hide it and I did feel alone, but only because I made it that way.
When I finally began talking about it, the only reason I could was because I noticed so many people felt the same. On MHA Day last year I remember being at my worst, literally researching suicide methods on a night. It’s so terrifying for me to even say this because I cannot believe I would ever consider something so stupid. The only reason I didn’t was because I didn’t want to hurt my family and the thought of how my mam would take it was just too devastating. But I am so glad I didn’t do it. The reason I have the courage to say this now is because I have lived through what it’s like and I am an example of how much life can turn around so suicide is never ever ever the right answer. If you’re considering suicide please message me and reach out to me, even if we have never spoken before. Talking to someone who has been there can give hope and I want to let struggling people know that how you are feeling is temporary, suicide is permanent and I guarantee you that one day you will feel like I do – so glad that you didn’t do it.
Accept You’re Struggles
At the time I was dead against help and didn’t want to let anyone know how I was feeling. Why? Because I was so afraid of people thinking I was a mess or attention seeking. This is the problem! Genuinely struggling people not reaching out for help because unqualified idiots on the internet tell them they can’t feel that way. Fuck them and what they think. I’ve came so far in even a couple of months, no way would I have said this at the time to even my friends let alone the entire internet. But I not ashamed anymore, I’ve accepted my past and I’m better. I still have bad days but suicide isn’t an option anymore and I feel so strong for overcoming it.
I have a diary on my phone which i used every day to document how I was feeling as recommended and I stumbled across it the other day, it broke my heart completely. Mental health is truly terrifying. What I wrote was horrible. How I was feeling was horrible. But it gets better and it is temporary. Struggling doesn’t last for ever. I know it feels like it does, but it does not. Let people in because believe it or not there are so many people who care about you and will miss you. Suicide is irreversible and I know at the time it might not feel like it, but it is never the answer. Stay strong, look for the future and have hope. Accept that you’re struggling for now but never ever lose sight of the future. I’m not gonna constantly say talk to someone because whenever I heard that when I was struggling I hated it, I didn’t want to talk and I say no point in talking – telling someone my problems isn’t gonna make them go away. But talking about it is more for yourself, to accept your problems and start a journey to bet better. You can’t get better if you don’t accept who you are and just move on, I’d hate to think of anyone struggling like I was and I cannot stress enough how important it is to just accept that mental health needs treated like a broken bone or a physical illness.
I Can Help You
I want people to read this and see that there is a way out, that you won’t feel like that forever. If I help one person think twice about doing something stupid then that is amazing. I use my story now to help others realise that there is a way out, as it is something that I would have found really helpful at the time. I’ll keep talking openly about mental health to help others and be careless if people don’t like it because the health of others is way more important than a few tweets from ignorant people. If you think someone’s struggling, reach out to them. It’s devastating to see everyone suddenly concerned with mental health when it’s too late. I don’t care what anyone says, it can be prevented and stopped so ask for help and don’t let it win.
If you are struggling, I’m always here to talk to anyone. I’m not a chartered psychologist but I can be there for you, give you advice and be a friend. Samaritans are also a good option to get anonymous help, or your local GP to find a medicated route (I know the NHS help for mental health is shocking and seems pointless but it’s always worth a try). A simple google of suicide help or mental health support gives so many resources, I wish I did it at the time. Take care of your mind and never give up home because one day you’ll look back and be so glad you didn’t do it, like me.
-Beauty by Disaster x